when you feel like crying often, can't stand the sound of your children's voices, can't stand the state of your house, want to get in your car and drive away? I'm having one of those today, like I did yesterday and for the few days before that too. I don't know what it is, but I'm done! My kids are tired, whiny, demanding, bugging each other to the point of tears and screams, and rude. I try to support them, help them, care for them, but if they ask for one more thing in that voice, I'm going to scream. In fact, I've already screamed...more than once. It doesn't seem to matter if I sit down and read stories and play water balloons or go to do my own thing, they just aren't content.
I just came in from repairing our back lawn. I didn't watch them for five minutes, when I turn back, they have torn up sod looking for bugs. Granted that patch is more moss then sod, but at least it was a green patch of softness, not a bare bit of dirt like I saw when I turned around. I asked them if they were a pack of racoons and sent them to their rooms. Goodness gracious, so I've packed the sod and moss back down and watered it in, but it's likely fruitless.
My house is a disaster and not because I haven't cleaned and tidied it, I did on Thursday before my sister and her boyfriend came to town, but by the next morning, it looks like a strong wind blew through. And I'm overwhelmed by how much has to be done and where to even start, so I do nothing for the day and it's that much worse. I have no help to get it done, it all falls on me.
Then there's the stress of money, or lack thereof right now. The "downturn" is clearly happening right in our bank account, or an "upturn" if you look at our line of credit. With Canadian manufacturers ceasing or slowing their production because no one is buying, they need less or no packaging, so Doug's sales are down and so is his paycheque. I'm continuing to work providing childcare and as a doula, but have no births for July or August so those will be tighter months. And adding to the financial pressures is an upcoming trip to Saskatchewan in October for my sister's wedding. I need to fly four of us out there, pay for a hotel room for 4-5 nights and food expenses while we're there. So we're looking at about $3000 for less than a week away. YIKES!! Now Doug won a trip for being Salesperson of the Year last year and instead of going to Vegas or San Fran, or anywhere else for a couples weekend, we've decided to have his company pay for his flight and the hotels, which then becomes a taxable benefit, and will save us about $800, still leaving us with $2200 to cover. Please notify me if you feel Hell freezing over or pigs flying overhead because that might just be what it takes to make that trip happen. I haven't booked the flights yet because the seat sales aren't for later in October yet and at this point would be $1800, hoping to get them down to $1100 for the kids and I.
So I'm under stress, a lot of stress, as is Doug and it's exausting and I'm tired. Thankfully I'm still getting out to run a few times a week which helps get out some of the physical tension, but I'd love to be scrapbooking, but in the evenings when I do have a few hours, I'm either too tired to pull everything out, or simply not inspired and have no creativity to work with. But it's the weekend, oh wait, I'm a SAHM there is no weekend, in fact, my dear husband, who I do love and am trying hard not to resent because I know that if I asked him to stay home and help he would, was at baseball last night (which we went to watch) and then afterwards we came home while he went to a friends, then he was up and out the door this morning for a work golf tournie, which brings him home after the kids are in bed, followed by me taking the kids to a birthday party tomorrow. My weekend, well, I'm going to the gym in the morning to work off the mound of chocolate I've eaten today and then I finally get to go for dinner with some girlfriends tomorrow night to celebrate the 5 years of friendship we've had since meeting at a baby group after our firsts were born.
I'm trying to hold onto my patience and be present for the kids. I'm a good mom and I want to continue to parent them positively, but man it's hard right now to keep that in perspective, when I'm wondering how we're going to pay for this or that. When, I'm battling anger, envy and resentment. And how can I expect them to tidy up their things and put things away when I'm not. It's a vicious circle.
The light that's guiding me through is our upcoming trip to the North. Thankfully my birthfather, Dan, is taking on a huge portion of the costs for us to come visit him. I managed to find a great seat sale one night for our portion (Abbotsford - Edmonton return) and all four of us are flying for $850 return. Once there, we'll have some food to buy and a meal or two out, but otherwise, that's it. Pretty cheap vacation. I'm in such a need for a change of scenery and routine and I know that although it's work to be away with the kids, it's exactly what I need right now. I'm just biding time and doing the best I can. Aren't we all some days.
There it is, my life, in it's glory and darkness.
It really encourages the kids to check out each of the tanks and be involved. There are also a ton of other puzzle games and such that the kids can do. 
And we were also lucky to have the opportunity to hold two different bugs (they don't have many that can be handled easily) 
I've gotten over the fear of tilting the camera when taking shots and I think this one of Morgan in the helicopter turned out awesome. Love it!
The Food. Being from the west coast, we've eaten our fair share of fish and seafood, but we had some amazing meals and one of the best was at a fresh fish joint called Bullocks Bistro. Of course we also enjoyed wonderful meals at the famous Wildcat Cafe, Fuego, on Beaumaris (a sailboat owned by Pierre LePage), Bullock's Bistro and Dan's home.
For so long I've kept my eye on the die cut machines that are on the market. The two that people have loved most are the Quickcutz Revolution and the Sizzix Big Shot. Out of the two of those I loved the Big Shot because it can accommodate dies for all the manufacturers, but I like the quality of the Revolution, just felt like a better made machine.
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